THE ALL HIP-HOP FOOTBALL SQUAD
by: Thomas K. Welker, @thomaskwelker
August 24th, 2016
This is going to get ridiculous- just a head’s up. I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and used that time to think about if I had to field a football team of rappers; who am I putting on it? For the sake of the article I’m keeping it to the offense. Here we go.
HEAD COACH — Kanye West
If anyone’s going to motivate you when you’re down 50–0 at halftime it’s Kanye West. He makes you feel like you can do anything, be anybody, and overcome anything. There’s an added bonus of watching him wild out at the referees every single game. He’s going to be the best at whatever he does and is a great leader.
TEAM MANAGER — Drake
You know when your coach just won’t get off your case? Drake is your team manager. He’s there to listen and sympathize. He would make an awful coach but he always has the oranges sliced and ready for his hungry squad at halftime.
QUARTERBACK — Young Thug
“Ninth-grade-quarter-back. Washington High.” After I saw this video I knew Thugger was my quarterback.
RUNNING BACK — The Game
This is specifically from an athlete standpoint: The Game has got to be one of the most fit dudes and ruthless attitudes in the rap game. He has no problem putting his head down and running through 10 bodies.
FULLBACK — Rick Ross
Chalk this one up to Rossfit. A year ago I would have not only put him on the O-Line I probably would have suggested he take a bench spot. His Rossfit routine has him looking big but in shape; the perfect person to block for a runner or quarterback but I don’t honestly think Ross has the hands to hold the ball much.
TIGHT END — Nelly
If The Game had any competition for running back it would be Nelly, but I honestly think I would be scared to see Nelly come through the middle of the field after seeing his Brass Knuckles album cover. He was also the Running Back in The Longest Yard so I thought that was too easy.
WIDE RECEIVERS — Wiz Khalifa and 2Chainz
Both of these guys are some of the tallest dudes I know in hip-hop. 2Chainz would obviously be our number 1 due to his time with Alabama State’s basketball squad. He’s an athlete and he’s got the height and hands. Wiz is probably much less of an athlete but I’m sure he could stand up tall and catch a few balls.
OFFENSIVE LINE — DJ Khaled, Action Bronson, Young Chop
Pretty solid O-Line here. They’re all overweight so let’s just be honest about why they’re here. Bronson and Khaled are getting fit and that strength and size is why they would be in the trenches.
KICKER — Tyga
Poor Tyga. I might be the only person I know that admits her really gets down with his raps but he has the kicker body and he’s used to be abused by the media so when he misses an extra point or field goal he could take the crowd.
Bonus: Kids watching the game because they never got in the gym and now they run cross country instead include Chance the Rapper, Big Sean, Bryson Tiller, Tyler, the Creator.
Who would you have on your squad? Tweet me at @thomaskwelker and I’ll give you a RT and fair chance to voice your opinion.